Staying Single Part 9: The Finale I

I have slight OCD and I just couldn't bear to have the series end on an odd number so I've split this last post into two. It also makes for easier reading I'm told :)

If you haven't been reading this from the beginning then don't ruin the ending for yourself, start from the very beginning. A very good place to start!

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?
Part2: Poor little Sola Boy
Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?
Part4: Pure Carnal Lust
Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments
Part 5.5: A Suitor, A Disciple & A Sola
Part 6: Cut Your Cloth
Part 7: The Number One Suitor
Part 8: In Love With S
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The Suitor sits in shock and Kemi sees in his eyes for a fleeting second all the hurt he tries to push down.

Suitor: I don’t understand. You told me you guys barely even speak anymore.

Kemi: We don’t, I don’t know, it’s just really complicated.

Suitor **visibly angry**: So how can you possibly be in love with him when you’ve spent the last 2 months with me?

Kemi has nothing to say and she is starting to regret this plan, she should have at least waited till they were out of the club, at his place or hers. Now this is going to turn into another of her world famous scenes.

Suitor: Oh so now you can’t speak? Kemi I need an explanation.

Kemi **lowering her head**: I don’t know what to say; I don’t know how this happened. I didn’t think you were taking us that seriously.

Suitor: So you think that me seeing you every other day, taking you out and spending money on you is just me being casual? **raising his voice** there’s nothing casual about that Kemi and you know it!

Kemi: Please stop shouting, can we just go. Lets go somewhere quiet and talk about this.

Suitor: Kemi please, don’t piss me off. There’s nothing to talk about, you’re just a stupid slag who uses people. I can’t believe I fell for you. You're a f*cking b*tch.

As he said those words, the music quietened down, one of those dips between one song and the next where you find that the voice you were speaking in was way too loud. The Suitor’s words had caught everyone’s attention and he got up and stormed out of the bar leaving Kemi sitting alone awkwardly. Glancing around and not seeing any friendly faces she got up and went hurriedly to the ladies. Seeing as I’ve already ruined things with The Suitor I might as well call Sola and tell him everything

The phone rung five times before Sola eventually picked up and with every ring Kemi was regretting her decision to call him, what exactly was she going to say? She hadn’t even given it a second thought before deciding to act so irrationally.

Sola: How far?

Kemi: **rambling on** Hey Sola, I know that you might think this is random and wonder why I’m deciding to just do it now, but I don’t know what’s wrong with me and I don’t know if there would ever be a right time to say it and everything is just so confusing in my head right now and I don’t know if I’m even doing the right thing because I know Nkechi is my friend and I’m being a terrible friend by doing this but I don’t think I can stand for you to not know any longer and..

Sola: Wait, slow down. What are you trying to say? I can’t even hear you properly.

Kemi: I’m trying to say that I love you, that I’m in love with you and I’m sorry it took me so long to realise.

There was a long silence on the phone after Kemi’s confession and for the first time she thought of the off chance that Sola really had moved on and didn’t care about her deeply anymore.

Wow, what have I done now? I don’t understand what’s wrong with me. Why do I always mess everything up with boys that genuinely care about me and treat me right? And then I end up acting a fool for the likes of the Ex. Kemi you need to get your act together.

Sola: Babe, let me call you back. Nkechi is waiting.

And with that he hung up. Kemi was left staring at her phone as it beeped the end of the conversation. She wasn’t sure if what had just transpired was real or if she was hallucinating. It was one of those out of body experiences for sure. The woman in the ladies was staring at Kemi who was staring at her reflection in the mirror.

Woman: You araiy gyal?

Kemi shook her head and the tears started flowing as she thought of the possibility of losing both Sola and the Suitor. Something that had never occurred to her before. She felt all the shame, regret and confusion rise from deep inside her belly, climbing gradually till it reached her throat and then she leaned over the sink and retched multiple times.

Staying Single: Part 5.5- A Suitor, A Disciple and A Sola

Incase you've been missing out on the epic tales of Kemi's life, catch up with the links below!

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

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Once again I apologise profusely for the error in the order of these posts, I'd be more careful next time! As I explained before, this should go between Parts 5 and 6 and then the story would continue as normal from part 7 on Wednesday.

As she reaches the ladies, Kemi realises that her heart rate is elevated, pupils dilated and palms are sweaty. Yes ladies and gentlemen, she is in love! Quickly she whips out her blackberry and types a message to “The Girls” in their group chat.

Kemi: Guysssss, such a situation! At Amaranto with the Disciple but guess who I just saw??

Steph: Vic O??

Remy: Jide??

Nkechi: Who??

Kemi: No, this is serious guys, THE SUITOR IS HERE! And I just blew it! (Goes into detailed explanation of what just went down, with vast exaggeration of course.)

Steph: L.O.L Babe, I can just imagine you trying to shake his hand, YOU WAVED?! The worst!

Nkechi: Aww, don’t worry, just go back over and talk to him again. I’m sure he didn’t notice because you look hot!! Yes I had sent the group pictures of all my outfit options earlier that evening, who doesn’t do that??

Bless Nkechi, she had the confidence that all girls desired and could strike up conversation with any guy at a bar, no problem. Even the ones twice her age.

Remy: You dulled! Don’t let me even talk too much, if you don’t redeem yourself you will be exiled from the group! Only sure babes allowed.

Sigh, what a conundrum.

Kemi had decided, she would go back to the table and talk to him just like Nkechi suggested, how hard could it possible be? If he is to be the father of her first born son, and he is, then it must be so. Head up, chest out, walk tall and seductively you goddess you! And walk she does, and she keeps walking, right past the table that The Suitor is on until she reaches her table where The Disciple has been patiently waiting. Yea, the time was just not right, maybe in thirty minutes.

The Disciple: You girls and your bathroom breaks sha, what took you so long?

Kemi: Ahh, are you timing me now or something?

Suddenly a waiter comes up to her table holding a Daiquiri

Waiter: From the gentleman in blue at the bar, he asks that you grant him just 5 miutes of your time.

Yes Lord, my wedding bells are finally ringing! **in tune** It shall be permanent! It shall be permanent! Oooh it shall be permanent! It shall be permanent!

Looking back to the other table, she realised that all the other boys were gone.

Kemi: To The Disciple: Do you mind? Let me just see what he wants, id be back in 2 minutes.

The Disciple: Sure, but don’t waste too much time oh. They’re even closing soon.

15 minutes later.

Kemi had become so engrossed in her conversation with The Suitor that she completely forgot The Disciple sitting at the other table waiting for her to return in ‘two’ minutes. He’s Nigerian now; he should know that two minutes never equals 120 seconds. As they laughed and flirted shamelessly the bartender asked them for their last orders as the bar would be closing soon. That was when it happened. The Disciple, obviously riled by the competition and clearly drunk, noisily made his way to the bar.

Disciple: Get your hands off my girlfriend mate!

Nitori Olorun, bobo yi fe koba mi sha! (This boy wants to put me in trouble oh!) Girl-what?!

The Suitor looks at his hand placed so carefully on Kemi’s lower back and back up at The Disciple

Suitor: She’s your girlfriend? She never said she had a man.

Kemi: That’s because he’s not. I don’t. I don’t, I don’t! Why, for the love of all things good, is this boy trying to ruin my future!

And before she could say anything more there was a loud thud. The Disciple punched The Suitor right in the jaw! War breaks out between them, well more like a scuffle but this is a disaster! Some people are trying to separate the guys but someone else is pulling at her arm, what do they want?? Can’t they see I’m praying to Jehovah that this is all a dream?

“Babe, are you okay?” Kemi looks up and notices none other than Sola, what the heck?? When did he arrive here now?!

Staying Single: Part 6- Cut Your Cloth

If you haven't been keepig up, find older parts here:

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments
Part 5.5: A Suitor, A Disciple & A Sola

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I suppose I should be happy, two, or is it three? Guys were literally fighting over me. But it’s not fair, I only want one!

It had been 6 days, 14 hours and 13 minutes since the scene at Amaranto, the most embarrassing day of Kemi’s life so far. Sola had pulled her out of harms way and then gone to join in with the bouncers in separating the fight. He had then taken her home, a place she no longer allowed him to frequent recklessly since his big reveal. Clearly thinking that he had found his window, he gave her a mock lecture on the perils of too much alcohol and of wearing teeny tiny skirts while trying to engage her in a stimulating match of tonsil hockey. It took a ‘playful’ slap from her to get him to stop acting like a crazed beast and leave her be to nurse what would surely be the hangover of Satan himself.

6 days, 14 hours and 13 minutes. She only knew this because this was also the same amount of time she had been constantly talking to The Suitor for. They had seen each other two more times since then; once when they went to the movies to see “Think Like A Man” and again when they went on a ‘picnic’ on Primrose Hill. Whose silly romantic idea was that?! **Covers head in shame at the thought of herself running away from grasshoppers** Of course the Disciple had forgiven her, in fact she hadn’t even had to apologise, he apologised for getting jealous and insecure and she graciously accepted. All those poise classes are finally paying off.

Today was going to be their third date, well it wasn’t really a date so much as a gathering but still Kemi was excited. Stephanie (one of The Girls) was having a pool party that weekend and The Suitor would be present. Time to show off this summer body I’ve been working on! Also let it be known that Stephanie is filthy rich and spoilt rotten by her father.

At Stephanie’s house on the event day:

Remy: Today is going to be too mad, Steph did your dad get the DJ sorted out?

Stephanie: Ahh, of course now, you shouldn’t even have to ask.

Nkechi: Alcohol nko? There’s no rockies without the sauce oh!

Kemi: Guys, this is Steph we’re talking about, has she ever dulled us?

Steph: Help me ask these harlots oh!

Remy: **mock offence** I’m not a whore, but I do plan on being one tonight

All laugh

Kemi: Technically the time for the party is now, what’s everyone wearing? I think we should start getting ready now.

2 hours later. Yes it took 2 hours to get ready for a pool party; we are fine girls, stop judging us!

Kemi: Umm, guys.. My skirt wouldn’t zip. Somebody come and try, it must zip by force today! Lord please let the skirt zip, I would never try and fit my ass into a size 6 again!

Nkechi: Come here let me try

After heaving and ho-ing for about 20 minutes, the girls were about to give up on Kemi’s skirt until Steph had a brilliant idea!

Steph: I think the zip is just stuck, come let me sew you into it.

All agree. Another 20 minutes and the skirt is done, people are already arriving downstairs and you can hear the DJ blasting Wizkid and M.I. Getting downstairs there is an array of topless boys and scantily clad girls but mostly topless boys, or that’s what Kemi sees anyways. Today is going to be a great day. She wonders of to find the Suitor whom she knows has arrived and finds him seated in a circle with his usual posse and a few extras. Of course Remy has found Jide and is sitting comfortably on his lap, she marks her territory so well. When he sees her he picks her up and spins her around playfully and kisses her forehead.

Suitor: Hey baby, I’ve missed you today. 6 days and we’re already on baby? Well I suppose he is American. You should have warned me you were looking so hot, definitely ain’t mad at that skirt!

Kemi: Haha, don’t make me blush.

Suitor: **sitting down** come sit with me

She can feel the scalding looks the Ex is giving her from the other side of the circle. Na you oh, jealousy go worry you tey today.

As Kemi adjusts her skirt and begins the slow descent that would ultimately end with her backside on the Suitors muscular thighs, she hears a funny sound and feels a cold gush of air on her backside.

Don’t. Tell. Me. My. Skirt. Just. Ripped. Please Heavenly father say it isn’t so!

Staying Single: Part 5- All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

Previous Parts

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

As soon as she got back to Remy’s place from the crazy night out, Kemi took to Facebook stalking Jide and all 1,009 of his friends in an attempt to find her mystery man. It took a while but it will all be worth it. 2 hours and 300 odd friends later, she had found him and added him. It took two whole weeks for her mystery man, whom we shall call “The Overseas Suitor”, henceforth known as The Suitor to finally acknowledge her friend request and accept her. It turned out that The Suitor is cousins with Jide and has just finished university at CalTech and is now on holiday in London for the next 2 months. All this was learnt from intense Facebook stalking. She could see her summer unfolding before her; finally summer p had come her way! Cha-ching! It wasn’t as if she didn’t have any other suitors on the horizon, oh there were many infact!

“The Prince” some East African guy she met on her course who was always happy to take her out to exclusive places in London and abroad. His father worked for the government so needless to say, he had too much money at his disposal. “The Disciple” who was always at her beck and call, this boy would buy her tampons and femfresh if she asked. He’s been trying to get out of the friend zone for months now with no avail and last but not least; darling Sola who had been there for her in her moment of weakness. But with The Suitor she could have a proper summer fling, guaranteed to end after the sun is gone and with no strings attached too and for that, he was her favourite!

Tuesday Morning, it’s barely 1 p.m. Far too early to be awake, what is summer for? Through sleepy eyes she reaches for her phone to see what the day might bring her. 11 messages from various friends and 2 missed calls from the madre.

Message 1, Group chat with Remy and 4 others, known collectively as “The Girls”: Wake up fooool, we were meant to work out today, I’m going without you! Gym ke?? Please do me the favour and go

Message 2, Prince: Baby, I’m so sorry need to cancel our date for tonight, doing some stuff for my dad. This boy sef, always double booking babes, stuff for your dad my ass.

Message 3, The Disciple: Hey beautiful, hope you slept well, you fell asleep last night while we were talking. Let’s meet up today. Hmmm, interesting proposal, I might as well now that Prince has cancelled on me.

So she replied,

To Remy and co: Yea, go without me, I don’t feel too great this morning plus it’s the scary spin class tranny there today.

To Prince: Hmmm, shame you don’t get to see me in the dress I had chosen :P

To Disciple: Sure why not, Amaranto at 8.30/9?

She would read and reply the rest later on.

Later on that evening, Kemi and The Disciple are having a blast at Amaranto, he keeps buying her cocktails to ‘try’ in an attempt to get her buzzed, and buzzed she is, they’re having a great time together. Sadly this episode has little to do with the Disciple but more to do with what happened in the next few minutes. Kemi, feeling a little flushed, decides to go to the ladies room for a couple of seconds, on her way there she hears the sound of all too familiar laughter, looking behind her slyly through her veil of 24-inch Brazilian hair, she sees them. A group of 6 or 7 guys, including Jide, The Ex, AND THE SUITOR. Okay girl, you can do it, just keep walking, head down, pretend you never saw them.

The Ex: Yo, Kemi!

Damn! Spotted, now what?

Kemi: Hi, how are you?

The Ex, clearly more than a little tipsy: I’m great! Life is so great! I’ve never been better!

The Suitor: I’m sure she gets the point. Oh if ever a voice speaketh directly unto mine heart! His Nigerian accent peppered with American flavour came out so richly! Rich like the darkest chocolate! Nice to finally meet you Kemi, I’ve heard so much about you. **Arms outstretched for a hug**

It took her a full 3 seconds, which is super long, to realise that she was being spoken to. Great, now it’s already awkward.

Kemi: Pleasure to meet you Suitor. Really? Good things only I hope. ** Bats eyelashes coyly and leans in to the hug**

Or at least that should have been her response! Instead what came out was more like this as she hurried off in the direction of the bathroom:

Kemi: Uh, oh. Okay. Nice to meet you too.  **does awkward hug/handshake disaster and eventually just waves and moves away hastily**

Somebody kill me NOW!