Staying Single: Part 3- Return of the Mac, or umm, the Ex?

Staying Single

If you haven’t read parts 1 and 2, find them here

Part 1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part 2: Poor little Sola Boy

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Remy shrieks with joy at the same time that Kemi’s heart drops, so much for being quiet. The Ex had been calling to ask Kemi for Remy’s number so he could pass it on to his friend, Jide.

Kemi: So you mean to tell me that I’m the only one who has Remy’s number in your whole address book??

The Ex: Well, I don’t know, I didn’t really think about that. I wanted to hear your voice as well. It’s been weeks, are you okay?

Kemi: Yea I’m fine, thanks for asking, Id text the number to you now. 


The Ex: Why are you being so cold? Can't we just talk? I miss you


Kemi! Yea I miss you too I guess


Remy: **rolls eyes and mouths "Dont let me talk oh!"


The Ex: Come to mine today? Let's catch up?


Remy: *still mouthing* "I swear, I will kill you before you do such!"


Kemi: Uh, I dont think so. I have stuff to do.


The Ex: Well you know I'd always love you, I'm here for you.


Remy: *screaming silently* HANG UP NOW! I'M NOT PLAYING!


Kemi: Yea I know, gotta go now. Bye. **Hangs up**


Remy: Babe are you okay? Dont let him start getting into your head again oh! It's been a whole month!


Kemi: It's been 2 **eyes rolling**, you do that solely to annoy me don't you?


Remy: Partly **smiles sweetly**

Remy was bouncing all over the room doing an idiotic dance, which looked even more stupid because her hair was in rollers. She had had a massive incurable crush on Jide since like primary school and every time they were in the same place she tries her best to impress him with her dance moves and woo him with intelligent conversation but he’s just never seemed that interested, until now.

Remy: Okay now that that's over can I just say this: OMG! He asked for my number, not even my PIN, my number. That’s way more personal right?? I’m so excited! I’ve been telling you, I’m going to be the next Mrs Adeshina! Okay, text him the number now!

Kemi tried her best not to rain on her friends’ parade so she did as she was asked. And then it was night and then it was day and this happened five more times until finally, it was the weekend again.

The week had been pretty standard, well except for Remy who constantly updated her about her and Jide’s new love life, especially what was to be their first official ‘date’- A party at his this Friday. After Remy casually informed her that she was to be wing girl at this particular event and of course The Ex would be there, Kemi had spent the better part of the week searching online at Asos and Topshop for an outfit for this event.

Come Friday night her and Remy were dressed to kill; Remy, always aiming for the oh-I-look-sexy-in-this?-who-knew look, wore the most skin tight, black body con dress known to man, courtesy of American Apparel with some 6 inch KG heels, while Kemi was donning an Asos original jumpsuit, backless of course, with her favourite pair of Nine West electric blue heels. The effect? Scintillating!

They arrived at the Jide’s house in Fulham at 1 a.m. for the party, it was a good time not to look over eager and also to make sure that the party was in full swing already. He lived in one of those swanky apartments that came complete with it’s own gym, sauna and steam room as well as roof gardens. Once they stepped out the elevator on the 12th foor, they could hear the sound of Drake informing everyone of “the motto” and the acrid smell of weed was potent in the atmosphere. Shii, you could get high off the collateral!

Remy: Sh*t I’m so scared, what does my hair look like?

Kemi: You've asked me like a thousand times, I’m not telling you again jo, see mirror there!

The door was slightly ajar when they go to it and so they opened it and were shocked to their bone marrows. Party ke?? Yes there was music in the background and sure there were some other people there but they were certain what they had just walked into was NOT a party. Through the hallway they could see some girls doing shots and giggling loudly at whatever was so funny and they could see some guys, playing FIFA and puffing and passing a blunt around the room. Stoned out of their minds! As usual. Forever thinking on her feet, Remy dragged them into the nearest room before anyone noticed them.

Kemi: **laughing** what kind of dead behaviour is this?? People should stop lying and saying that they are having parties.

Remy: It’s not funny; I feel so overdressed right now.

Kemi: Ehnn, when you were giving them body con, you didn’t know! Gba be! Don’t you have flats in your bag? Better let’s change quickly.

After quickly reassessing their outfits and talking Remy out of going home to get changed they finally emerged from the bathroom laughing hysterically about the situation. Remy who wasn’t looking turned around too quickly and smacked right into Jide, chest first. Awkward. The two of them started talking so Kemi slipped into the living room to find a drink and a comfortable spot to observe her friend from.

Just as soon as she was getting comfy of course it was time for death to rear its ugly head in the form of her perfect ex-boyfriend, The Ex. This boy literally looked like he belonged on a podium in Rome, for all to stare at in fascination, taking in his perfect hair and perfect body and even his perfect smell gaddemit! Davidoff CoolWater, elixir of life itself!

Unfortunately for Kemi, The Ex had a way of talking her guards down in his deep baritone and the intoxication from the punch she was drinking was not helping either, before she knew it she was actually having fun with him. At some point in the conversation, their heads were so close together she could practically taste his lips. Smooth talking as always he had her full attention and she couldn’t even pretend to be uninterested anymore.

The Ex: I’m so sorry about how we broke up; I really handled it immaturely didn’t I?

Kemi: You did, but it’s okay. I’m over it anyways. LIES FROM THE FIERY PITS OF HELL, if you’re so over it then why are you daydreaming about kissing him??

The Ex: I really want to kiss you right now.

Kemi: Yes! Yes! Me too! So why are you telling me?

Her head still leaning so close to his she could smell his breath. And then it happened, electrifying and exhilarating, their lips touched and Kemi had not felt so happy in weeks. Unfortunately, about 5 seconds into their heavenly bliss something tore their heads apart.

Introducing The Slut, the girl who The Ex had slept with while still deeply ‘in love’ with Kemi.

The Slut: **screaming** HOW DARE YOU!! What the hell do you think you’re doing with this good-for-nothing virgin scumbag!

Kemi sighed heavily Oh dear; the night is about to go to shits isn’t it? And since when was being a virgin a bad thing? It's better than having a loo- never mind. *hiss*

Stay tuned for Part 4.

The Dressing Maketh A Man

Some clothes should not be made above a certain size! Like seriously, the amount of nonsense I’ve seen in this my short lifetime is appalling. Some might think that this post applies mainly to the females but not to worry, I have a male pet peeve or two to address!

Now don’t get me wrong there is nothing wrong with being plus sized (excluding those whose current waistlines are a hazard to their general health, y’all need to hop on that treadmill ASAP!). The problem is when these plus sized people decide to wear certain clothes. Take for example, the infamous American Apparel disco shorts.

 Clearly this ½ yard piece of clothing was made for some size 2 – 8 girlies in say California (i.e U.S. sizes 0 – 4) yet you see some size 16+ (U.S 12+) ladies trying to squeeze in all sorts of flesh into the spandex material, the result? Unsightly rolls, flabs, mountains, valleys, dips and turns bursting out from all over the shorts, it is highly inappropriate for some ladies to step outside the comfort of their homes in such attires! You know them looks you’ve been getting? That’s not envy baby girl, that’s plain disgust! Check yourself before you wreck yourself, because if those pants split on the dance floor it’s not going to be cute!

Now don’t get me wrong, there are some bigger than average girls that rock certain outfits and do it with so much swag because she knows, that you know, that she’s fly as hell! She might be big but those thighs are nice and toned, the stomach is almost flat as an ironing board and you know her make up doesn’t leave her looking like Heath Ledger when he played the Joker. There’s a way to be sexy without wearing ridiculously small and revealing things because you’re trying to follow fashion, if your body type doesn’t allow it then please leave it!

Yes, body type is a huge factor where dressing is concerned, for instance, you might be skinny as hell and still not have a flat belly, looking like some kwashiorkor child from the Niger Delta, so yea you might be slim enough to work those American Apparel shorts but there should be no reason for you to step outside your house in a crop top that you intend to wear fully exposing your torso. Someone on twitter a while back made quite a good rule of thumb and though I don’t agree 100% it’s simple and effective “If you’re standing straight and you can’t see your vag when you look down then please allow those crop tops.” The only exceptions to this rule are girls who are heavily endowed in front. Spread the word people; let the world be cured of these misdemeanours!

Oh and of course I saved something for the guys, how could I leave you out J my number one pet peeve when it comes to the dress sense male species (and trust me I have many) is when you see these boys wearing some type of skinny jeans, I’m not talking slim fit or just skinny, I mean those SUPER skinny ones, you know the kinds that Pete Wentz used to wear when he was in Fall Out Boy? Those ones. And then you see boys with asses bigger than mine trying to fit all that and whatever else they might be packing into these super tight jeans! It just looks uncomfortable, especially when they decide to sag them! LE WORST! If you’re not as skinny as your jeans then please refrain!

*sigh* sorry I just had to let that all out, I’ve seen too much nonsense in the club!

Thanks for reading beautiful people

xxx