Staying Single: Part 8- In Love with S

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

Part 5.5: A Suitor, A Disciple & A Sola

Part 6: Cut Your Cloth

Part 7: The Number One Suitor

After the party is over and everyone has gone home, The Girls were all in Stephanie’s room talking about the gist from the night. Of all the not-so-shocking revelations such as Remy spending the whole time glued to Jide, the most shocking was the following:

Remy: So guys, everyone has casted themselves except Nkechi, are we really going to let this slide?

Steph: That’s true oh, where were you? You were ghost through almost the whole thing.

Nkechi: Hmm, you guys need to stop asking too many questions, I told you I was busy.

Remy: Busy doing what? Girl, it’s either you tell or you sleep in the corridor tonight! **laughing**

Kemi: I agree oh, spill the beans

Nkechi: Well if you must know I was just getting to know a certain Sholly-boy better.

Steph: Hahaha, you were with Sola?!

Kemi: Wait, which Sola? Sola Akinlaja??

Nkechi: Ahh, yes now. Which other Sola! And I must say, he knows how to get down if you know what I mean **laughs**

Remy: You you’re just a hooker, I’m tired please I’m going to sleep.

Kemi: Hmmm, Sola.

Steph: Ah babe what’s your issue?

Kemi: Oh nothing, it’s just funny that’s all.

Nkechi: I mean to be honest I don’t like the guy; he’s a bit young for me. He’s cute though! I know you guys are bestos but you’re cool right?

Steph: Of course she’s cool! After the story she was just telling us about the Suitor!

Kemi: Yea exactly, I don’t like him or anything.

Remy: **coughs suspiciously** Goodnight guys.

After the lights went off and everyone was trying sleeping, Kemi lay awake thinking about Nkechi and Sola’s rendezvous, was it possible that Sola liked Nkechi? Because she knew Nkechi definitely didn’t like Sola, and if he did then why her? And how far had they gone? And again why Nkechi? Lost in her thoughts Kemi admitted to herself that the fact that the girl was Nkechi wasn’t what bothered her, it was the fact that Sola was getting with people in the first place.

Why shouldn’t he be allowed to get with other people? So what he was saying to me all that time about liking me was just bull? Sola can’t be with anyone else, that’s not fair. The jealousy in her gut was unshakeable, even as she tried to daydream of her episode with the Suitor; she kept replacing his face with Sola’s. Do I actually like this boy or am I just upset he doesn’t like me anymore? After many hours of deliberation through the night, Kemi decides that she in fact does like Sola but now that he’s trying to get close to Nkechi what is she supposed to do?

But what about the Suitor? Well he’s leaving soon so it doesn’t really matter! Once he’s gone, she can work on Sola again, she can’t directly make him fall for her; she has to do it carefully, and with this resolved in her mind, she falls asleep.

15 days later

The weeks that had passed involved Kemi seeing the Suitor as many times as she liked, they had gotten physical a few times but nothing beyond the first time. She also met up with Sola at their usual spot in Café Rouge and he confessed to having “slight feelings but nothing serious” for Nkechi. Kemi had also told Remy about her feelings for Sola.

Remy: You don’t like him, you’re just plain jealous that he’s moving on. Don’t go and do anything irrational! Nkechi is your friend!

Kemi: But she doesn’t even like him, she said so herself!

Remy: I just think you’re being selfish. This is exactly what the Ex does to you whenever you start liking someone else and it’s not nice.

Kemi: Okay fine, whatever.

But Kemi wasn’t convinced, she was sure she liked Sola, no one understood her that’s all, she would prove to everyone that they are meant to be together. The perfect opportunity finally presented itself in the form of a Tuesday night at Juju Bar, none of the Girls were there, Steph and Nkechi who had another friend’s birthday party and Remy was being a boring housewife with Jide. The music was good and the drinks were flowing. Kemi didn’t mind though, there would be quite a few friends there. Seeing Sola seated by himself in the corner, Kemi positioned herself to make sure he gets a good view and begins to gyrate in a most seductive way to the voice of some dancehall artist, she can feel Sola’s eyes on her back as she moves. The Suitor, seeing his girl dancing by herself makes his way across the dance floor and grabs her waist. Kemi slows the dancing pace and eventually stops.

Suitor: Oh, why you doing this to me?

Kemi: **looking bored** my feet hurt, these shoes are kind of tight.

Suitor: Her feet are killing her I call it her shoe-icide. Let’s go and sit for a bit.

Kemi: **glancing over at Sola she realises she has lost his interest completely,** Why did this Suitor boy have to show up at the wrongest time! Now Sola is never going to take me seriously. slightly annoyed she turns to the Suitor, she needs to get Sola’s attention again, but not right now**

PAUSE

Now I must interrupt this story here, to let you, the readers, know that Kemi is not a bad person, neither is she a slag, well not really. She does actually like the Suitor but remember he was always a short-term solution. She’s just a vain, naïve girl who wants attention and to be loved.

CONTINUE

Suitor: So I’ve been thinking of something, I want you to be my girlfriend

Kemi: Wait what? How did we get here?? But you’re all the way in America, it would never work

Suitor: I know myself; I don’t need anyone else right now. Just say you’d try at least.

Kemi: **in a small voice** I can’t.

Suitor: Why not? I thought we had something good going?

Kemi: I really like you, don’t get me wrong. But I’m in love with Sola.

First Date Nerves- Response

So one of my favourite things to do in writing is to take a piece written from a male perspective and then re-write it from the female's point of view. I recently came across this amazingly detailed piece written by Tayo and I knew I had to accept the challenge! The original can be found here and more of his amazing stories/poetry can be found on his blog, TayoMichael. Enjoy.

He asked me out. Saturday he said. Saturday at 6. Just a casual link up, it doesn’t have to be a date. It took him long enough; he’s had the green light for a while. What to wear, what to wear? Are jeans too dressed down? A dress too dressed up? Maybe he hates yellow. I should go with black. Black leggings. Tan boots. Mickey tee. No, not Mickey, he might think I’m childish. Betty Boop? Too slutty. Gosh I hate my wardrobe. Where is my fairy godmother already? Nail polish is chipped. Hope he pays no attention to the detail. Mickey or Betty? Betty or Mickey. Come on girl, it’s 5.50. Too late to train it, call the cab. Make-up is acceptable right? Understated is always better. I pick Mickey, hmm how about Tweety?

6.00, I’m late already. He hasn’t text me yet. I wonder if he’s there. He did say he’d be a little late. Where the hell is that taxi? I’m starving, haven’t eaten all day. Quick, make a sandwich before the taxi arrives. Ham, mayo, bread. Phone rings. Taxi is here. Grab the sandwich. It’s chilly outside, should have brought a scarf. In the taxi now, I text my sister. “I’m so nervous, I really like him already!” Oh no, no no! This cannot be happening. There’s mayo on my leggings. My phone buzzes, it’s him “Hey, where are you?” Shit! I can’t reply just yet, I look a mess. Eyelids heavy with tears; blink girl, blink. You’ll ruin your face. Finally there. Overpaid the driver, no time to wait for change.

Jump out the cab, head straight to the ladies. Some water on my face would do right now. I wipe the stains, why won’t they go away! Frustrated. Exasperated. I just want to go back home. Breathe in, breathe out. I’m here now, too late to cancel. Text him back ‘I’m in the cinema’. One more slick of lip gloss and I’m ready to go. My hair looks crazy but it’s too late for that now. There’s a little girl in here, “Mummy, I want to look like her one day.” She says. She’s talking about me. I smile. I beam. I’m ready now. I think? Step out of the ladies and back to the entrance. Should I say hi or hey? Hug or wave? Oh Lord, my heart is doing 60 miles an hour again, I hope he can’t tell. I’m not even normally shy.

I see him. He’s literally yummy. Tall, dark and that boyish grin; oh boy. “Hi-ey!” My goodness, did I just cross hi and hey? Awkward hug, wave, shake thing. This is a disaster. “Sorry I’m late” he says. “Oh it’s okay” Do I let him know that I was late too? No. No point. What film to watch? I don’t know what he likes. Do I even know him at all? The silence is getting awkward. I wish I wasn’t so nervous. Butterflies in my tummy and cat’s got my tongue. Film doesn’t start for an hour. What are we going to do till then? My tongue is still paralysed, I’m starting to sweat. Oh small talk why have you failed me so? After what seems like an eternity, he says. “I want to show you something”. Show we something huh? Boys will be boys.

It’s cold outside. I really wish I brought that scarf. I cross my arms across my chest. That looks defensive. Uncross. Can I hold his hand? He might think me forward. At least he’s talking now thank goodness. I respond. We laugh. Laughter is good. I like boys who make me laugh. I like him. Walking side by side, why does the space between us feel so vast? It’s probably the cold air. But this is nice. He’s not too forward, such a gentleman. We’re still laughing. He’s such a joker. Playful shove. Finally we’re closing the space! I’m completely at ease now. “Where are we going?” I ask. “You’ll see” he responds. We get there. It’s beautiful. I must say I’m surprised. For a “London” boy he definitely has a softer side.

Film time now. Do we really have to go back and sit in silence? He’s paid for it already, might as well. Film starts. Silence I said? Far from. Elderly couples glaring at us. Hey! It’s not my fault I’m having a blast. The film’s boring, or maybe he’s just much more entertaining. He leans towards my neck, my heart’s going crazy again. I could have sworn he almost kissed me! No? Maybe next time then. Now that’s all I can think about, is he going to try or not? I hope he does. Pretending I can’t hear him, I lean a little closer. Come on, this is your signal. He wants to kiss me; I can read it all over him. Nothing. The moment’s lost now; he’s still being a gentleman. Almost too gentlemanly? Well I tried, maybe next time.

Film’s about to end. This can’t be over yet. I need more time. Definitely giving curfew a miss. I text my sis hurriedly ‘Is dad home yet? If not text me when he’s back’ ‘No, kk I will’ she responds. Score, I can stay out later. “How are you getting home?” he asks. “I don’t want to go, let’s walk” I say. There’s this space between us again. It took so long to break it last time. Again, can I hold his hand? Or is that far too forward? I breathe in deeply and reach out. I grab his hand. He holds mine immediately. Oh such bliss, I never want to let go. We slow down to a stroll and stop walking, watching the boats go by below the bridge. Does he know how much I want to kiss him? He can’t or else we wouldn’t be talking about boats. Resigned but happy, I squeeze his hand a little tighter. It’s been a while since I felt like this.

From nowhere, he holds me closer and leans in; I know exactly what is happening. Eyes closed. We kiss. Exhilarating! Completely exhilarating! His lips are warm, he tastes like Fanta fruit twist. Mmm, this was definitely worth the wait. He looks at me, I think I see my future in his eyes but I can’t be sure. Another kiss will tell. His arms go to my waist, mine to his shoulders. Perfect height, I don’t have to bend too low or tiptoe too high. We keep kissing; he’s amazing. I cheekily flick his tongue. My phone buzzes. That can only mean one thing, daddy’s home. I have to go. “I had an awesome evening” he says. “So did I” I reply. Heaven knows I don’t want to leave. This has been the best first date ever. Taxi is here. We kiss again and say goodbye. This time when he looks at me, I’m sure I see my future in his eyes. Perfect night. Perfect boy. Perfect time. Perfect personified. I’m ecstatic.

First date nerves? Pshh, they are such a waste of time.

Morenike.

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TayoMichael: First Date Nerves

This post was written by one of my dearest friends, Tayo. I read it and loved the attention to detail and the telling of the whole story. So classic. I had to reblog it and also try and do a response which you can find here. Hope I did it justice, but for now, here's Tayo's piece.

Hands sweaty. Knees weak. Arms feel heavy. Ate barely 2 hours ago, butterflies in my tummy. I can’t control this feeling. Never been on a date before. Genuinely never met a girl like this before. She’s way out of my league, what does she even see in me. Will she understand me. Rhyming slang and a london accent. Will it annoy her? Look at my hair in the mirror. Suddenly need a new shape up. I should have cleaned my Vans.  Nah. I should have worn my Converse. My chinos don’t look ironed. Should have worn jeans. Such an idiot. Fuck. Sh’e gonna laugh at me to her friends. I feel like such a muppet. Should have shaved shouldn’t I. What was I thinking. Too late now. I’m here now. 20 minutes late. Never keep a girl waiting. School boy error number one. This could be the worst evening ever?

The cold air slaps my face as I stand outside the station. I needed that. Now to find her. I’ve never called her before. Do I text her? *sigh* I’m  a mess. Breathe mate, just breathe. Need cash, I’m supposed to pay for everything on a first date right? Why is this queue so long. Group of ladies in heels are laughing in front of the machine. Come on girls, get a move on! Look around anxiously, still no sign of her. Check my phone every 6 seconds. Why won’t she text back. Has she gone? I wouldn’t blame her. Who’s late to a first date. My tummy turns. I want to throw up. I close my eyes. Breathe kid. You’ve got this. My turn. Cash out. How much. Do I really need £50? Yeah just in case. Ok, lets find her.

Lips are dry. Can’t open my vaseline tin. This is awkward. My hands look dry. I just creamed them! Lick my lips and exhale. My phone vibrates. ‘I’m in the cinema’. Suddenly I wish she didn’t text back. I don’t want to go no more. Standing in the middle of the road. It’s now or never mate. A man brushes past me aggresively. That knocks me into life. Let’s go. Walking to meet her. I’m practising my greeting. ‘Heyyyy’. Nah, ‘Hey you alright’. Nah, ‘Hi’. They all sound moist. smh. Walking towards the cinema. I can see the door. Now my heart is racing. What should i do?! Full body Hug? Kiss her cheek? This is harder than I thought. [Yes it's my first time, don't judge me].

I see her. She’s stunning. Tall, slim and glowing. She smiles. I melt. ‘H-h-hey’. Half Hug, half I don’t know what to call it. Awkward. You idiot. Shocking is disrespectful to the word. That was apologetic. ‘Sorry I’m late’. ‘Oh its ok’. She seems so calm. We look at film times in silence. Thinking of a joke in my head to break the ice. You’re funny man! Say something. Nope. None. Zilch. Zero. Nothing. Kaput.’Nothing comes to my head. Film doesn’t start for an hour.’ Good! This isn’t how I want it anyways. I have a plan B . ‘i wanna show you something’ I say.

Outside. It’s chilly. Wanna grab her hand but I think its too soon. Nah mate. Way too early. There’s confident and there’s arrogant. Let’s be neutral for now. Be easy. Just talk. Don’t even remember if this is a date. Maybe she just wants to hang out. Fuck it. At least leave a good account of yourself. I’m better than this. We talking. She’s laughing now! Get in! I’m mocking her. Playful shove. 1st contact since the hug thing. Yep I’m counting. I’m calm. She’s responsive. Hasn’t touched her phone either. Can only mean she’s interested and there’s nothing to tell her friends about yet. This is nice. Pretty with a personality. What a touch. Reached ‘Plan B’. It’s always awesome. She likes it. Brownie points for me no doubt. Good work fella. This is going better than I expected!

Look at the time. Film time. Neither or us wants to stop walking now. But we go anyways. Film starts. Still talking. Laughing lots now. Whispered jokes. Concentrating folk hissing ‘shhh’. We laugh it off. Film sucks. Inches from her face. Do I lean and kiss or lean and miss. Is it worth the risk? Toss a coin in my head. Nope, can’t leave it to probability. Still skeptical. I actually like her. Rejection would make for awkward viewing. Not worth the risk I say. So I lean towards her neck in an ‘i’m yawning’ fashion. Smell her. Rihanna Reb’l Fleur. Yum. Wonder what she’s thinking..Wish I had more bottle. 100% attempt made to kiss ratio. I don’t wanna lose now. I can wait. Besides, I want the first one to be romantic. Sorta. None of that in the rain moist stuff. Just not in a cinema I guess. Perhaps a goodbye kiss? Yeah. Definately…..maybe. *sighhh*

Film over. Pretty decent in the end. Home time? I ask how are you getting home. Relucatantly. ‘I don’t want to go, lets walk’ she says. Can’t believe my luck. Look to the heavens. Thanks Big Man! Walking and talking, she grabs my hand, I clasp and don’t let go. Ectasy. Doing cartwheels in my head. Words don’t do my feelings justice. I’m guessing I should have done this ages ago. I’m shy. Bite me. Walking and talking. Clear dark skies. Perfect weather. Perhaps a touch cold. Her hand keeps my entire body warm. We stop at a bridge. Look aimlessly into the water and people walking on the river bank. I really want to kiss her. Just got to find the right moment. I know I’m going to. I just don’t know when. Devil on my shoulder – don’t bother you suck. Angel on my right side – ignore him, he’s a pest. Silence. She smiles. I smile. It’s not awkward but there’s a funny feel about it. We’re talking about boats. Really? Enough is enough. It’s show time boy.

I hold her and lean in and close my eyes; she responds. We kiss. [One finger skank. Gunshot salute]. WHAT!! Amazing! Seems like forever. Warm. Moist. She tastes awesome. Where have you been all my life. Lips part. She looks at me with’about time’ eyes. ‘I’ve wanted to do that all night’ I say. She laughs. We kiss again. and again. and again. I’m a good kisser I know that much. She’s not too bad either. Bite her bottom lip, she’s misbehaving with her tongue. Everything has fallen into place. Feels like a weight has been lifted. This definately should have happened hours ago! It’s alright I say to myself. I’m happy now. Perfect spot. Perfect night. Perfect girl. Perfect time. Perfect personified. I am buzzing.  ’I had an awesome evening’ I say.  ’So did I’ she replies. I’m planning my future with her already. Call me crazy. We cuddle. I don’t want to let go. Nights like these should last forever. I stare at her for ages. She is beautiful. We kiss again. I’m calm on the surface. Inside I have won the lottery and found the girl of my dreams. Home time. She has to go. Put her in a taxi. Not before a final kiss. If I died today. I’m calm. She’s drives off. I text my friend ‘pulled! haha x’. Home time for me. Best night of my life.

First date nerves?? Don’t know what you mean mate. This was all part of my plan ;)

Tayo Michael.

Staying Single: Part 7- The Number One Suitor

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

Part 5.5: A Suitor, A Disciple & A Sola
Part 6: Cut Your Cloth

Unfortunately it is so. Thank goodness Remy had realised the error also and as she was such a quick thinker, pulled me up spun her around quickly so that her exposed panties were not on show to the whole world. Sadly it was a little too late, a couple of people had already spotted the misdemeanour and were in fits of laughter. Kemi mumbled a few incoherent words to The Suitor and allows Remy to usher her past the people looking to see what was so funny. Once again, my gist will be everywhere! WHY ALWAYS ME?

They get upstairs and Kemi is too upset to do anything but hold back tears of frustration and change into leggings and a tank top. Stephanie who had seen the whole thing followed them to her room

Steph: Babe it really wasn’t that bad, nobody saw everything I swear

Remy: That’s what I’ve been trying to tell her! Babe don’t cry and spoil your make up.

Kemi: **exasperated** it’s easy for you to say; the whole world didn’t just see your bride price! And did you see the smug look on the Ex’s face? I could have slapped him! I’m so ashamed right now; I definitely can’t go back down there! Steph do you mind if I just stay in your room for a while?

Steph: Suit yourself, but it really wasn’t that bad. Trust me, I’ve seen far worse! Imagine if you were actually fat now!

Remy: You can’t stay up here for the rest of the night oh! Don’t even think about it girl!

Out of the blue, there’s a knock on the door, thinking it’s Nkechi coming to join the gang Steph opens the door and lo and behold none other than the Suitor.

Suitor: Do you mind if I come in?

Steph, Remy: Glance hastily at Kemi and back again to the Suitor.

Kemi: No not really, it’s over anyways.

Steph and Remy quietly leave the room without another word, leaving just Kemi and the Suitor in this slight awkwardness that highlights the room.

Suitor: I’m really sorry about your skirt baby, but you still look beautiful in the tights though

Kemi: They are leggings!

Suitor: Oh. My bad.

**more awkwardness**

Suitor: So you ready to come back downstairs? I wanted to introduce you to my friend.

Kemi: What kind of fool is this? Introduce ke?? After the debacle that just ensued? God forbid! Id rather not go down right now, I’m still pretty embarrassed to be honest.

Suitor: **approaching her** Oh come here baby.

He wraps his arms around her waist and pulls her close to him, he smells of intoxicating cologne and manliness and Kemi can’t muster the willpower to make him stop. Plus she doesn’t want to, she wraps her arms around his shoulders and slowly he lifts her chin and locks his eyes unto hers, staring into his dark brown eyes Kemi feels all the embarrassment and shame of the last few minutes melting away. Slowly and passionately they kiss, their bodies moving together in perfect harmony like waves in the ocean crashing at the shore and retreating to the water just to come crashing again. Kemi releases her grip from his neck and lifts her hands up.

Gosh Kemi, in Steph’s room?? But he’s such a good kisser though!

The Suitor as if understanding exactly what she wants takes off her tank top and removes his shirt, revealing abs that can cut through diamond. They kiss quicker, like they just realised the world was coming to an end and the only way to stop it is to exchange saliva as quickly as possible. The Suitor kisses down her neck and on to her collarbone.

My life needs a soundtrack. Now humming inwardly Keyshia Cole- Heaven Sent

**Ahem** someone clears their throat, none of them had even been aware of the door being opened. The Prince is standing in the doorframe looking at them with this looks that says, “I nabbed you” on his face.

The Prince: I figured if you were going to play me with anyone it would be Sola, who’s this n*gga?

Luckily The Prince wasn’t in the mood for a confrontation, he had come to the room looking for Stephanie because the party was running low on drinks.

Kemi: We should go back downstairs too, see if there’s anything I can do to help

Suitor: Who is Sola? That dude from Amaranto?

Kemi: **kissing him** Yea that one. Hmm, so being weak in the knees isn’t a myth huh? Who knew.

Suitor: **pulling away** were you guys together or something?

Kemi: Why do my moments always get ruined by some uncanny act or another? No, we’re just quite close that’s all.

Taking his hand she forces him out of the room to avoid further conversation and they head back to their friends.

TNC Competition- The Waxen Saviour

So I was doing my usual blog rounds and came across this competition of The Naked Convos. The challenge was to take the start of a story that they provided (the bold text) and by dating back in time increments of 2, complete the story in 1200 words. I must say it was a challenge; I’ve never tried to write in reverse before and I find word limits tedious but here’s one of my responses! Anyone can enter this competition, just read the rules on their website, The Naked Convos- Competition: TWO and if you do enter, remember to reference me! Enjoy.

Now

Aigbe smiled callously as he watched Esosa tumble backwards onto the floor. He thought to himself that she quite looked like a fish out of water – flailing about, reaching for support that would not be forthcoming. His smile very quickly evolved into a cruel laugh as he watched the back of her head crash onto the cold, tiled floor with a sickening, wet sound. Leaping astride her semi-conscious body, he rained three solid blows onto her torso, working his way from her lower ribcage to her sternum. She yelped, shook and choked with each blow, unable to fight back.

“You are the one that will die, not me, Stupid Harlot!”

He spat into her face as the last blow landed and she choked violently, jerking with the impact of the blow and recoiling from the glob of projectile spittle that had hit her face.

“You!  Are! A! Mad! Dirty! Prostitute!”

Each word was punctuated by a slap that sent waves of pain coursing through Esosa’s head. She could barely speak or shout or scream in protest, much less move. She felt herself start to slip into a numb blackness but she tried to hold on.  Aigbe wrapped his hands around her neck and muttered.

“Witch! Harlot! Your plan has failed!”

Esosa closed her eyes and let the numbing darkness take her as her husband choked the remaining life from her, his wedding ring pressing into against her carotid artery.

2 hours earlier

Esosa smiled to herself as she poured the brown powder into the bottle of Merlot. She re-corked it and shook it violently until the powder began to dissolve. She knew Aigbe was already on his way home.

“Aunty, can I bring your tea?” she was momentarily startled by the voice of Stella, their house-help. Composing herself, she tells Stella that she would not need tea. Returning to the bedroom that she once shared with her husband before he built an extension to the house that included a master, master bedroom, where Aigbe no doubt, hosted the lowlifes he called his friends and their concubines, she removes her aso-oke from the latest wedding she has been made to attend with her adulterer husband. She had left before him with her driver as usual. Getting into bed she swallows her little white pill, the same one she takes every night and calls Funso. Aigbe was not the only one that knew about adulteration.

He stumbles home minutes after his wife and in the living room pours himself a glass of Merlot. Stella is waiting for him and in her hands is a wooden trinket he recognises to be Esosa’s. It had taken a while to convince Stella- not to become one of his mistresses; that was easy enough- but to watch her madam closely and report everything she did in the house from the moment she rose to when she fell asleep. He did not trust his wife.

It was through this surveillance that Aigbe found out about the ‘poison’ Esosa had poured into his wine, Stella had saved his life, but never mind that. More enraging, was the discovery of this wooden box and the exact nature of the white pills it contained. He barged to his wife’s room, his glass of Merlot untouched.

2 Days Earlier

“Do you have enough? Should I bring some more?” Funso asked Esosa early that morning. “No darling, it’s just sugar, if I need more I’d send Stella.” “Okay, it’s just that this plan has to work out, I can’t wait any longer to be with you, you got brown sugar right? The colour would make it less detectable.” Esosa laughs, “Stop worrying, I have it all worked out. I love you.”

Hanging up, Esosa sits languidly in the living room as she waits for her husband to make his ceremonial exit from the house. Aigbe had risen later than usual this morning, not that it matters seeing as he is the oga pata pata at work. Turning lazily on to his side, he sees the naked bodies of Stella and another equally young girl whose name he cannot recall. Smiling he remembers the activities of the night before, he has proved to himself again that he is as able as he ever was. Completely consuming not one but two harlots.

Aigbe knew this one would hurt his wife more than any previous infidelity she claimed to know about and he couldn’t wait to casually let it slip. He relished the thought of seeing his perfect wife who never had a hair out of place go completely schizophrenic. Her inability to bear children was the bane of his existence. At 52 years old, he was the only one of his friends to have no children, none he cared to acknowledge at least. What was the point of marrying a woman more than 20 years his junior, if she could not even give him a child?

The strong, proud man that Aigbe Duncan was, he had no time for the frivolities of adoption. In fact the only weakness he had ever shown was in the genes he inherited from his late mother that caused him to be a Type II diabetic.

2 Months Earlier

“So how has everything with the new pill been so far? Not too many side effects like the last one I hope” Dr. Caleb enquired. “None at all, thank you very much for your time.” Esosa replied with a smile. “Now just remember to stop taking it for 7 days every month to allow nature run its course.” “Of course, thank you so much Dr. Caleb”

Esosa could not remember a single day that had passed in the 18 months that she had not taken her waxen saviour, she would never have Aigbe’s child, her womb was waiting for the day her and Funso could be together to carry out exactly what it was created for.

“Actually, one more thing doctor” her face crumpling in false despair “I’m worried about Aigbe, he seems to not be adhering to your rules of sugar intake lately, what is the ultimate worst that could happen to him?” Dr. Caleb replies solemnly, “He could go into a diabetic coma and if he doesn’t get immediate care, it can lead to his untimely demise.” “God forbid!” exclaims Esosa, looking distraught “Please doctor, don’t tell him I asked you about this, we both know how touchy he gets with this topic.”

2 Years Earlier

“No Esosa, you can NOT get married to that charlatan of all things artistic, do you think I don’t know what is best for you? Funso Akindele will never amount to anything!” her father’s voice boomed through the house, reverberating off every wall. Contrary to what you might think he was not shouting, that was simply how he spoke. Her mother and siblings with their various ‘perfect’ spouses were all present at the dinner table.

It was Easter Sunday and Esosa had just delivered the news of her engagement to her father. Evidently, he was not pleased, “It’s about time we accepted Mr. Duncan’s proposal; I’m going to call him to set a date for your wedding, people like him don’t wait around forever!” Four months later, she was Esosa Duncan nee Akerele.

NY Foodie: The Lavish Findings of My Tongue

Some days I just feel like blogging a little more than others, today is one of such days. It is 5.06 a.m. as I write this and I am irreversibly jet-lagged. There is this awkward hour or two where almost no one is awake, all the people in my time zone are fast asleep and all the ones behind it are also on their way to dreamland. Unfortunately I do not know a single soul whose time zone is ahead of mine so now I lie here, bored. Did I forget to mention how hungry I am? Starving like Marvin really, and being the foodie that I am, I’m thinking of all the glorious meals I had while I was in New York and trust me it was glorious! If any of you are ever in New York you need to promise me, no not promise, solemnly swear, that you would visit at least one of these places! **drum roll** And now, ladies and gentlemen, in no particular order, my mouth watering, jaw dropping, taste bud sizzling dining list from New York City! **cymbals clash**

1. Ruby Foo’s

            If you love sushi even HALF as much as I do then this place is a must visit! Got the monster roll which had an unusual but delicious crunchy outer roll and also their special of the day which had salmon, tuna and some other great stuff which I don’t remember all wrapped in a delicious casing of rice and seaweed. It’s hard to describe the way the flavour of the roll burst in my mouth and completely encased my taste buds. No seriously, this sushi is by far the best I’ve ever tasted! Bar none. We also got to try Sake (pronounced sa-kee) which is basically Japanese alcohol made from fermented rice, to me it tasted like tequila and cheap sambuca, I wouldn’t necessarily recommend it but it was definitely an experience.

Monster roll pictured on the left with the special of the day on the right.

Concentrating so hard on the food, every bite into this sushi was a whole new experience

2. 53^rd and 6^th

            You know how people are typically very against eating food from vendors and other street shops due to hygiene and other various qualms? Well this place is definitely worth risking food poisoning for. After hearing about these guys from not one but three reliable sources, Folakemi and I ventured out bravely into the streets to find the halal guys at 53^rd and 6^th and boy were we glad we did! For a casual $6, we got the best most filling meal we had had in days! I must admit with all the hype around them you would think they would open a small shop at the corner of the block but hey! Definitely couldn’t complain. If you’re out and about in the city and need a cheap, GOOD, filling meal definitely head over to them for their chicken over rice which they serve with pitta bread and lettuce, and you can flavour with mayo and hot sauce. DI-VINE!

Yes their line does actually get this long! It's ridiculous!

My plate of chicken over rice, if I could pick any meal to have again it would definitely be this one! And the serving sizes are ginormous!

3. Rue 57

            A bit more upscale than everything else I’ve mentioned so far, Rue 57 was a treat to us by Folakemi’s brother. Although their menu was a bit too complicated for me, the waiter was pretty good and recommended their crab meat starter which ended up being the best crab meat I’ve had, save my grandma’s cooking. I ended up with a pretty basic burger, not very adventurous at all but I must say it was yum! These three mini burgers were so adorable as well!

Mine Kobe burgers at Rue 57, no not Kobe the ball player. That would be gross.

4. Five Guys

            Heaven in a bun like their ad says, Five Guys was literally the best burger I had through my whole stay in the states. The meat doesn’t taste artificial McDonalds, and the bread is not stale. In fact I’m quite certain that the burger came in a brioche bun making the bread that much sweeter and the experience that much more indulgent!

Staying Single: Part 5.5- A Suitor, A Disciple and A Sola

Incase you've been missing out on the epic tales of Kemi's life, catch up with the links below!

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments

____________________________________________

Once again I apologise profusely for the error in the order of these posts, I'd be more careful next time! As I explained before, this should go between Parts 5 and 6 and then the story would continue as normal from part 7 on Wednesday.

As she reaches the ladies, Kemi realises that her heart rate is elevated, pupils dilated and palms are sweaty. Yes ladies and gentlemen, she is in love! Quickly she whips out her blackberry and types a message to “The Girls” in their group chat.

Kemi: Guysssss, such a situation! At Amaranto with the Disciple but guess who I just saw??

Steph: Vic O??

Remy: Jide??

Nkechi: Who??

Kemi: No, this is serious guys, THE SUITOR IS HERE! And I just blew it! (Goes into detailed explanation of what just went down, with vast exaggeration of course.)

Steph: L.O.L Babe, I can just imagine you trying to shake his hand, YOU WAVED?! The worst!

Nkechi: Aww, don’t worry, just go back over and talk to him again. I’m sure he didn’t notice because you look hot!! Yes I had sent the group pictures of all my outfit options earlier that evening, who doesn’t do that??

Bless Nkechi, she had the confidence that all girls desired and could strike up conversation with any guy at a bar, no problem. Even the ones twice her age.

Remy: You dulled! Don’t let me even talk too much, if you don’t redeem yourself you will be exiled from the group! Only sure babes allowed.

Sigh, what a conundrum.

Kemi had decided, she would go back to the table and talk to him just like Nkechi suggested, how hard could it possible be? If he is to be the father of her first born son, and he is, then it must be so. Head up, chest out, walk tall and seductively you goddess you! And walk she does, and she keeps walking, right past the table that The Suitor is on until she reaches her table where The Disciple has been patiently waiting. Yea, the time was just not right, maybe in thirty minutes.

The Disciple: You girls and your bathroom breaks sha, what took you so long?

Kemi: Ahh, are you timing me now or something?

Suddenly a waiter comes up to her table holding a Daiquiri

Waiter: From the gentleman in blue at the bar, he asks that you grant him just 5 miutes of your time.

Yes Lord, my wedding bells are finally ringing! **in tune** It shall be permanent! It shall be permanent! Oooh it shall be permanent! It shall be permanent!

Looking back to the other table, she realised that all the other boys were gone.

Kemi: To The Disciple: Do you mind? Let me just see what he wants, id be back in 2 minutes.

The Disciple: Sure, but don’t waste too much time oh. They’re even closing soon.

15 minutes later.

Kemi had become so engrossed in her conversation with The Suitor that she completely forgot The Disciple sitting at the other table waiting for her to return in ‘two’ minutes. He’s Nigerian now; he should know that two minutes never equals 120 seconds. As they laughed and flirted shamelessly the bartender asked them for their last orders as the bar would be closing soon. That was when it happened. The Disciple, obviously riled by the competition and clearly drunk, noisily made his way to the bar.

Disciple: Get your hands off my girlfriend mate!

Nitori Olorun, bobo yi fe koba mi sha! (This boy wants to put me in trouble oh!) Girl-what?!

The Suitor looks at his hand placed so carefully on Kemi’s lower back and back up at The Disciple

Suitor: She’s your girlfriend? She never said she had a man.

Kemi: That’s because he’s not. I don’t. I don’t, I don’t! Why, for the love of all things good, is this boy trying to ruin my future!

And before she could say anything more there was a loud thud. The Disciple punched The Suitor right in the jaw! War breaks out between them, well more like a scuffle but this is a disaster! Some people are trying to separate the guys but someone else is pulling at her arm, what do they want?? Can’t they see I’m praying to Jehovah that this is all a dream?

“Babe, are you okay?” Kemi looks up and notices none other than Sola, what the heck?? When did he arrive here now?!

DRB, Yeezy, Waka Flocka Flame: Soundtrack of Summer 2012, Atlanta Version

Oh wow guys, something terrrrrrible has just been brought to my attention by one of you, my dearest readers! The Staying Single series is missing a whole part between parts 5 and 6! So the story has lost a little bit of its essence, to try and correct this, I would be posting a Part 5.5 on Sunday and then Part 7 on Wednesday. Please accept my apologies! The excitement of being in New York for the first time took over my concentration momentarily. I hope you've still been enjoying it and this doesn't make you stop reading! Please don't I might cry myself to sleep.

Now on to today's post: My summer playlist from Atlanta 2012!

1. I Don't Like- Kanye West ft. Pusha T, Chief Keef, Jadakiss & Big Sean

This song is perfect for beefing it up and is definitely one of those catchy ones that everyone kept overusing E.g. I eat the last croissant and someone goes “That’s that sh*t I don’t like!”

2. No  Hands- Waka Flocka Flame ft. Wale and Roscoe Dash

Definitely practiced my twerking skills to this song a good number of times. Twerking is actually hard work! Well not that hard but some girls just make it look so easy.

3. Practice- Drake

Definitely an old favourite, I mean it's Drake! Another song that is fabulous to twerk too!

4. Ile ijo- May D

As a sure boy! Need I say more?

5. Cashin out- Cash Out

Another ratchet ass song but I really liked this one too!

6. Toyin- DRB

Last but not least, all I needed to hear was Boj’s whisky induced voice on this beat and it was definitely rockies time with the homies!

That concludes the Atlanta version of my summer playlist! Watch this space for the New York playlist!

Staying Single: Part 6- Cut Your Cloth

If you haven't been keepig up, find older parts here:

Part1: I Will Be Single! Will I?

Part2: Poor little Sola Boy

Part3: Return of the Mac or umm, the Ex?

Part4: Pure Carnal Lust

Part5: All Hail the Queen of Awkward Moments
Part 5.5: A Suitor, A Disciple & A Sola

________________________________________________________

I suppose I should be happy, two, or is it three? Guys were literally fighting over me. But it’s not fair, I only want one!

It had been 6 days, 14 hours and 13 minutes since the scene at Amaranto, the most embarrassing day of Kemi’s life so far. Sola had pulled her out of harms way and then gone to join in with the bouncers in separating the fight. He had then taken her home, a place she no longer allowed him to frequent recklessly since his big reveal. Clearly thinking that he had found his window, he gave her a mock lecture on the perils of too much alcohol and of wearing teeny tiny skirts while trying to engage her in a stimulating match of tonsil hockey. It took a ‘playful’ slap from her to get him to stop acting like a crazed beast and leave her be to nurse what would surely be the hangover of Satan himself.

6 days, 14 hours and 13 minutes. She only knew this because this was also the same amount of time she had been constantly talking to The Suitor for. They had seen each other two more times since then; once when they went to the movies to see “Think Like A Man” and again when they went on a ‘picnic’ on Primrose Hill. Whose silly romantic idea was that?! **Covers head in shame at the thought of herself running away from grasshoppers** Of course the Disciple had forgiven her, in fact she hadn’t even had to apologise, he apologised for getting jealous and insecure and she graciously accepted. All those poise classes are finally paying off.

Today was going to be their third date, well it wasn’t really a date so much as a gathering but still Kemi was excited. Stephanie (one of The Girls) was having a pool party that weekend and The Suitor would be present. Time to show off this summer body I’ve been working on! Also let it be known that Stephanie is filthy rich and spoilt rotten by her father.

At Stephanie’s house on the event day:

Remy: Today is going to be too mad, Steph did your dad get the DJ sorted out?

Stephanie: Ahh, of course now, you shouldn’t even have to ask.

Nkechi: Alcohol nko? There’s no rockies without the sauce oh!

Kemi: Guys, this is Steph we’re talking about, has she ever dulled us?

Steph: Help me ask these harlots oh!

Remy: **mock offence** I’m not a whore, but I do plan on being one tonight

All laugh

Kemi: Technically the time for the party is now, what’s everyone wearing? I think we should start getting ready now.

2 hours later. Yes it took 2 hours to get ready for a pool party; we are fine girls, stop judging us!

Kemi: Umm, guys.. My skirt wouldn’t zip. Somebody come and try, it must zip by force today! Lord please let the skirt zip, I would never try and fit my ass into a size 6 again!

Nkechi: Come here let me try

After heaving and ho-ing for about 20 minutes, the girls were about to give up on Kemi’s skirt until Steph had a brilliant idea!

Steph: I think the zip is just stuck, come let me sew you into it.

All agree. Another 20 minutes and the skirt is done, people are already arriving downstairs and you can hear the DJ blasting Wizkid and M.I. Getting downstairs there is an array of topless boys and scantily clad girls but mostly topless boys, or that’s what Kemi sees anyways. Today is going to be a great day. She wonders of to find the Suitor whom she knows has arrived and finds him seated in a circle with his usual posse and a few extras. Of course Remy has found Jide and is sitting comfortably on his lap, she marks her territory so well. When he sees her he picks her up and spins her around playfully and kisses her forehead.

Suitor: Hey baby, I’ve missed you today. 6 days and we’re already on baby? Well I suppose he is American. You should have warned me you were looking so hot, definitely ain’t mad at that skirt!

Kemi: Haha, don’t make me blush.

Suitor: **sitting down** come sit with me

She can feel the scalding looks the Ex is giving her from the other side of the circle. Na you oh, jealousy go worry you tey today.

As Kemi adjusts her skirt and begins the slow descent that would ultimately end with her backside on the Suitors muscular thighs, she hears a funny sound and feels a cold gush of air on her backside.

Don’t. Tell. Me. My. Skirt. Just. Ripped. Please Heavenly father say it isn’t so!

Dangerous Hair Things and Moscato Boys: My Experiences in Atlanta

Last week while I was in Atlanta was possibly the most eventful week of my summer so far! Met some fabulous new people that definitely gave me the almost full South experience! I was preyed on by thirsty guys in the club, which by the way, I was not allowed to take my comb into. (more on this later). I got schooled in the art of twerking and “beefing it up” which in turn gave me a new found appreciation for ratchet music! I was involved in a full street fight a la Erica, Lil Scrappy, Stevie J and Joseline from Love and Hip Hop: Atlanta and I got to go shopping and taste the infamous Georgia sweet tea! Sadly I never made it to World of Coke or the Lennox mall, but not to worry, next time!

My favourite part of the whole stay definitely had to be the street -fight night out.

As sure girls we arrived at 1.45 a.m. At the door as usual they ask for I.D. and payment and also search your bags. This bag search definitely threw me off; surely I don’t look harmful in any way! But still the search was mandatory, the lady bouncer; a short stocky woman of about 30-something, then proceeds to tell me that I can’t take my comb into the club because it had too many pointy edges.

I suppose I can see how this can be used as a weapon, but more importantly it begs the question, what kind of people go to this club? I can’t lie I was scared when I was entering the club, by now I had a picture in my head of a jail cell with ratchet girls and their jacked up weaves and boys who wore their pants way too low to be socially acceptable.

Before I tell you about what I actually saw in the club I have to deliver the warning lecture I received from a concerned member of the party. The lesson only had 1 rule, DO NOT COLLECT ROSE OR MOSCATO FROM ANYBODY. No not because they might have spiked it as you may think but because by opening the bottle without reading the small print you’re signing your night over to one “sweet” guy. Here’s the typical scenario:

Girl arrives at the club looking cute with all her girlfriends. Guy approaches them looking all swarve and offers them the bottle of Rose or Moscato just to be nice and help them let loose for the night. Let us recall, he’s not a thirsty n*gga, infact he’s even sort of cute! So he delivers the bottle or better yet gets a bartender to deliver it and leaves the girls to drink it in peace. Just that he hasn’t really left them in peace. Standing out of view but so he can watch them he watches the girls pop open the bottle and begin drinking. Unfortunately she didn’t read the small print. You see, if she had held the bottle in the light so she could read the inside of the label, she would have seen the words “The opening of this bottle signs you over to the buyer for the rest of the time at the club and up till 11 a.m.”

Guy: **evil laugh** the contract has been irrevocably signed.

So the girls are all laughing and dancing and having a swell time and if he’s a baller like that he might even send over a couple more bottles. Assuming the club closes at 4, at 3.30 sharp the boy goes back to the ‘Georgia Peach’ of his eye. For those who don’t know, the state of Georgia is very proud of its peaches so to be the Georgia Peach, you must be the crème de la crème! So anyways, the boy goes back to the peach of his eye and starts tugging on her arm.

Girl: Oh hey! Thanks for all the bottles, it’s been a great night.

Guy: Yea, so you finna chill at my crib?

Girl: **nervous laugh** No, I’m going to my girls house tonight.

Guy: **still pulling on her arm** Come on let’s go, you drank my Rose/Moscato, 3 bottles at that. You’re coming with me.

At this point, the girls friends either have to form Voltron and get him away the way girls usually do or if the girl is somehow on her own she has to honour the contract she signed!

I must say, the club looked nothing like a jail cell and though there were the usual array of ratchet girls and thirsty boys, fortunately I was never offered a bottle of Moscato/Rose in my time at Cream Ultra Lounge and neither did I need to use my comb as a weapon!

Bisous.